Enjoy!

Today's Arizona Republic has a story about what Phoenix's new light rail system might be like when it opens four years hence. It reads like a cross between early Soviet propaganda and overenthusiastic 1982 copy from Epcot Center.

A Monday morning in May 2009, and you're waiting for the train.

Like all massive civic works projects, it'll be delayed by at least two years. Enjoy the wait!

The new Metro light-rail system has been up and running since December, and most days, you can leave your car at home in north Phoenix and commute by bus and rail to one of Tempe's new high-rise offices along the lake.

Most days? Just out of curiosity, what about the other days?

Since gas hit $6 a gallon earlier this year, you've noticed a lot more people on the train.

Heh. Okay, now we know where the author is coming from - the Land of Economic Illiterates.

The spring weather's starting to heat up, and after a short bus ride to the station at Central and Camelback avenues, you're cooling your heels under one of the shade structures on the station platform. Most of the stations are in the center of the street, but this one is tucked into the southwest corner.

Short ride to Camelback and Central? Starting in North Phoenix? Let's consider this whole thesis. I'm going to take the weather from Monday, May 23rd of 2005. The bus schedule I use is actually tomorrow's.

North Phoenix is a broad category. For my example, I will assume you live within walking distance of the intersection of 7th Street and Bell Road. That's about as North Phoenix as it gets. As we've established, you're leaving the car at home. To get to Camelback and Central by 8 AM, your bus on Route 7 leaves at 7:03 AM. Call it a 10 minute walk to the bus stop, and you're out the door at 6:50 or so. It is 82°F . Your bus arrives at 7th Street and Camelback at 7:28. If you're hungry, and schedules aren't important to you, stop for breakfast at the gay Denny's, conveniently located at this same intersection. If not, you'll need to transfer to Route 50 at 7:42 AM to get to the train station, finally, at 7:45. You've now been in transit for 55 minutes, and you have traveled 14.5 miles. Your average speed is a bit under 16 miles per hour.

People are lined up to buy tickets at an automated kiosk, but your transfer from the bus covers your fare. You're ready to get on board. Looking around, you see people heading for work, Arizona State University students, airline travelers with suitcases, and a few transient types.

Transient types? You mean bums? On public transportation? Mais non!

The station's LCD screen tells you the train will arrive in another minute.

How lucky we are to have only a 1 minute wait! The trains run every 10 minutes or so during rush hour, so the average wait, when things are running smoothly, is 5 minutes. That's all assuming, of course, that the trains are running on time. Trains usually do that, right?

8 a.m.: Two 90-foot-long rail cars, linked together, roll almost silently into the station. Unlike subway trains in New York or Chicago, there are no screeching rails or whining motors. Just the low rumble of wheels on a seamless track.

Anybody who believes that a moving object 180' long will not make noise when it moves, starts, or stops, raise your hand. All of you, back of the line. (Even electric trains on seamless rails have brakes.)

The streamlined cars ride low, with skirts hiding the wheels. Once the train stops, the floors line up with the station platform, with no step up or down.

"I just can't stand the endless stepping up and down one has to do to ride the train! What's that? No stepping involved? Great!"

You push a button to open one of the doors and step in. There's a vacant seat on the aisle. You sit down and push your briefcase underneath. The seats are cantilevered from the sides of the car, so there are no legs or other obstructions blocking the space under your seat.

Actually, there are a lot of vacant seats on the aisle. And on the window. Oh, and in the middle, too.

There are no advertisements inside or outside. Valley Metro put a moratorium on ads for the first year, then will decide whether to allow them.

I'll give you one guess what they'll decide at the end of that year.

A woman rolls her bicycle through the door and slides it into the bike rack mounted on the wall.

She's absolutely soaked with sweat, this being Phoenix in May. It was almost 90°F at Sky Harbor at 8 AM. Somehow, you don't think her morning bike rides will continue into June.

8:01: The doors close and the train moves away from the station. You marvel at how smoothly the train moves out. The people standing in the aisle don't even fall into each other.

Those Phoenecians and their above-average equilibria! Will wonders never cease?

Rolling down Central, you check out the construction on the west side of the street and wonder once again why you didn't have the foresight to buy land. Oh well.

This is apparently construction brought on by the installation of light rail. Apparently, severely limiting people's ability to turn against traffic is great for business. Who knew?

8:02: The train stops at the Central High School stop, where a crowd of rowdy teens rumble off.

Not that you'll be able to see the high school through the windows which have already been heavily scratched by a succession of unambitious taggers. Those rowdy kids with their rock-and-roll music and their long hair. (Actually, it'll probably be more Brophy kids than Central. Central students have buses.)

As it takes off again, you glance at the stop-and-start cars along Central on either side.

You're in a train that stops and starts, without fail, every half mile. You're looking smugly at stop 'n go traffic?

8:04: At the Indian School Road station, there's a crowd of rush-hour travelers waiting. Here, the train operator decides to open all 20 doors on the right side of the two rail cars to let the crowd step in smoothly. Each car holds 200 people, and it's getting pretty near that number. Standing room only.

We've just gone from Camelback to Indian School in 3 minutes, during rush hour? Including a stop at Campbell to unload? Stretching the truth already, I'd say.

Oh, and very optimistic to actually have passengers on the train. All of these new arrivals apparently took the Indian School bus routes. They only spent 3 miles sitting next to a wino, but already they smell like cheap liquor.

You consider gallantly giving up your seat to an elderly person, but fortunately, there are none in sight.

Despite the close quarters and hot weather, the rail car feels pretty cool inside. But then, why shouldn't it with the two mammoth 12.5-ton air-conditioners on the roof? It's enough to cool one of those mansions on Camelback Mountain.

Don't you just love how public transportation saves energy?

8:11: After a few other stops on Central, the train arrives at the main downtown hub at Van Buren Street, where about half the passengers step off. Some are headed to jobs downtown, others to the new ASU campus. Still others make connections with buses on Van Buren.

Osborn, Thomas, Encanto, McDowell, and Roosevelt. I suppose five stops could be considered "a few." Unfortunately, the cars neared capacity back at Indian School. By McDowell, you've starting seeing frustrated passengers standing on the platform, waiting for a train with a bit more space.

As the car empties a bit, you have a clear view of the scores of people scurrying around the station. Must be that $6 gas.

Are you suggesting, sir, that the success of Phoenix's light rail is dependent on the price of gas doubling again, to Scandinavian levels? Perhaps that's why we can't seem get a refinery built in this state.

Inside the train, a young man backs his wheelchair into a specially designed section without the operator's help. His companion swings down an adjacent seat so she can also sit in the wheelchair section.

8:13: The train reaches the 90-degree left turn at Jefferson Street, curving like a python around the track. Each car has three sections so that it can bend around such turns. The trains are limited to three connected cars because that's the length of a station platform, or a city block.

Oh, they can turn, eh? Clever.

8:14: The stop at Third Street goes by quickly. This is a popular stop on nights when the Suns play at the old America West Arena, now named after some East Coast airline, or when the Diamondbacks play at Chase Field Ballpark, which some call the Chase. Who can keep track?

He's insulting your intelligence. [What, you've just now noticed? -Ed.]

The stations along Jefferson are spaced farther apart, so the train glides farther without stopping. There are stations at 12th and 24th streets, then a long stretch of smooth rolling before the 44th Street station. The cars have a top speed of 55 miles per hour, and on this segment, it gets up to the 45 mph speed limit.

Yeah, you don't really want to go much slower than that on Jefferson between 7th and 44th streets. By the way, are these trains armored?

8:26: At 44th Street, people get off with suitcases and duffle bags to catch a shuttle bus to Sky Harbor International Airport. Someday, an automated People Mover is supposed to whisk folks from here to the airport. But with an estimated billion-dollar cost, it won't come anytime soon.

The temperature has now topped 90°F and the shuttle to the airport will be along in 5 minutes or so. Enjoy the wait!

8:32: The train crosses the sculptured bridge across Tempe Town Lake, everyone's favorite part of the ride. Out the left window you see rowers cutting across the water.

No you don't. It's May. The rowers were off the lake by 7, when it was only 83°.

8:34: You stop at Mill Avenue and step off with a gaggle of ASU students. The train quietly pulls out from the station and continues east toward Mesa.

The ASU students stand in the bright light of the real world and collectively slap their heads. First, they realize that they got off two stops too early and will have to either walk a mile to the psych building in the 90°F sunshine, or wait 10 minutes for the next train. Second, they realize that classes ended three weeks before. You observe, not for the first time, that most ASU students are very dumb people. You consider mailing your diploma back in for a refund.

After carefully crossing the tracks, you stop for a Starbucks coffee, then walk up Mill toward work. You'll be back after quitting time.

Starbucks. Again, it's 90°F, and you've got a half mile walk ahead of you. No, there's no shade. Oh, and since you work in a lake-side high rise and carry a briefcase, we'll assume you're wearing a suit. Enjoy your fresh Starbucks coffee.

To summarize, the rail portion of the trip took an extremely optimistic 34 minutes. You traveled 13 miles. You made 23 miles per hour, one mph better than Valley Metro's own estimate of travel rates! Overall, the trip took 1 hour, 45 minutes, not including the last walk to the office. If you were to take the freeways, and avoid the trip into downtown, the entire trip would be 23 miles. Thus your average speed, via mass transit, comes to a whopping 13 miles per hour.

But do remember, you have to get home, too. You leave work at 5:30 PM, and are waiting for the train by 5:45. It's 104° out. The law of averages, in association with karma, makes a forcible correction for your morning luck, and you wait 9 minutes for the train this time. The return trip again takes 34 minutes, and so you arrive back at Camelback and Central at 6:28 PM. Your bus leaves at 6:41, and after one transfer you finally arrive at your final bus stop at 7:23 PM. Again, it's a 10-minute walk from the bus stop to your home. Fortunately, the temperature has cooled to a mere 102°F for your walk. Your trip home took 2 hours and 3 minutes.

Congratulations, sir! You spent 3 hours and 48 minutes of your day using fast, efficient mass transit. You have been away from home and family for 12 hours and 18 minutes. You are now as drenched with sweat as the cyclist was this morning. You also smell somewhat like the "transient types" who were milling about the station. Assuming prices don't change in the next, umm, 4 years, the experience cost you $2.50.

Oh, plus 1.3 billion dollars.

Comments

[Vox]

LOL!

Soda all over my desk - you should warn people not to try to drink and read that at the same time.

[jen]

who on earth doesn't have to be at work until almost 9 in the morning??

[Erin]

So does anyone else think we should rename it Phoenix Area Rapid Transit? Let's just call it PHART for short.

[Chris]

Don't forget to follow up with the financial ramifications of the time spent on the trip. At 3 hours 48 min a day spent in travel, assuming one makes $12.50 like a poor park ranger, the opportunity cost of this trip was just shy of $50. Even at $6 a gallon, this is still 6 gallons of gas or approximately 120 miles of travel in my non-environmentally friendly 10 year old v-6 SUV. If I were to guess on the pay scale of the suit clad office worker in 2009, I would set the pay scale around $24 hour. For this poor schmuck, the daily commute would cost more than $90. Thats progress for you!

[MarkD]

OK, so nobody actually wants to LIVE here (Syracuse, NY), but I drive the 5 miles to work in my 28mpg Honda Civic (truth in advertising and it doesn't really warm up till I'm halfway to work - I don't get 30mpg.) If gas went to $6/gallon, the direct effect would be inconvenient at worst. Gas would have to be $10 - no make that $20 a gallon before I'd carpool or ride with "a few transient types."

Of course, I'd telecommute first but why let realistic alternatives get in the way of a bureaucratic social engineering envirowhacko's wet dream? I mean it's only $1.3 billion. A nation that can afford a $250 million bridge to an island in Alaska (population 50) can afford this, right? The 1.3 billion is roughly $4 for every human in the country. I'm sure we'd all be willing to pay for this boondoggle so people in a state I've been to once in my life don't have to drive to work.

This is what happens when the enumerated powers of the Constitution get ignored. If Arizona thinks this is a good deal and wants to pay for it, have at it. Let my family keep its $20 - I'm still paying a lot of college tuition....

[Lurker]

Regarding screeching rails and motors, modern electric trains arent too bad on this one. If the station has straight track then it should be pretty quiet. Squealing wheels are usually a function of curving track.

[Jeremy]

Does anyone really think this project will ever be completed? The track is "going" to run in front of multi-million dollar townhomes on central. Those people are already raising holy hell about it. And with the current toilet swirl of Sen. McCain's career I would bet this is going to be a no go. Just wait anyday breaking news of MSNBC will be the utter watse of $1.3b on a train that no one wants by the good Senator of Az.

Come to think of it $1.3b is about 248,000,000 hours of work at $5.25 an hour or the federal min. wage. Why not hire illegals to take each person in north phoenix to work for the next 100 years. I am sure they can buy those little taxi bikes like in china.

[dreday]

the person that wrote this article and the one leading up to is a fu*kin idiot. you the most non-progressive ideas i've ever heard. i'm just glad that you live nohwere near my city as you have no clue what the demands of the future call for from an urban planning perspective. pull your head out of your car douchebag.

[Harriet]

Dreyday, your the one that's a douchebag! Enjoy your stupid transit!